Parenthood - Part 2

On Monday night, the night Gillian came home at 7:00, I came home at 9:00, back from a school meeting. Such a waste of time these meetings; honestly, things could be done way more efficiently using emails. Anyways, coming late meant that Elijah had to take care of home work, dinner, and reading time. Tired as he was, Elijah did his best, but when I came back I noticed Jefferson's homework. Among other things, he had to make a collage of pictures that would help him come up with writing ideas later. His collection of pictures had one main theme: weapons, and some cars. Of course, Elijah doesn't know where all my magazines and newspapers are, so he gave Jefferson what he could find among his stuff, magazines about cars and guns. When I saw Jefferson's collage I didn't feel good about it. After speaking with Elijah, we decided to ask Jefferson not to take that to school. School projects are so hard to deal with. First of all, we as parents try so hard not to involve ourselves, but unsuccessfully in most cases. The children either need our help or we give it anyways, because we want them to perform well. In this instance, Jefferson was left to his own devices. And I didn't like what I saw. Now let me be clear. It wasn't how well he had cut or pasted that I was concerned; it was the content. I told Jefferson that as representatives of Jesus Christ it is our responsibility to be a good example to others in all things, even when it comes to just a collage. However, I felt I needed to give him a choice as well. So I told him that in the end it was his decision whether he would leave his project home and make another when he came back from school or take that one. Now, I would feel pretty confident about the right decision being made (the right decision being listening to me) if it were Gillian or James, but Jefferson is very independent and truly has a mind of his own. When he decides on something there is nobody on earth that can change his mind. To his credit, grudgingly he agreed to make another one. (Today, after making one that was way better and had a wider variety of themes, he informed me that he was going to take them both. I left it at that. There are harder battles to fight. I think he got the message, but at the same time he wanted to show his independence. I have to be fine with that.) What do you do in cases such as these?

Today I was determined to be in control of the day and what I accomplished. I read to Charlton, I wrote in my blog, I cleaned my house spic and span, I spent time with James, I used my time efficiently, I spent time with the boys doing homework and reading while Gillian was at her choir, I fed them healthy food, I ran most of my errands, and I felt good. After we got back from the choir, I had James and Charlton play with each other, while I helped Gillian and Jefferson finish their homework. Elijah was at the temple, the younger boys were playing well and happily, the older ones were calmly doing their homework, the house was clean, and I felt at peace. I thought this was what I meant by being in control of your life, having a calm life. And then, I hear crying and screaming. From the sound of it, I knew immediately it wasn't good. I got up and I'm faced with a bloody Charlton. I almost fainted, but God preserved my wits for the moment. That doesn't mean I didn't scream and cry myself, but after a few seconds being traumatized by what I saw and heard, I realized that I wasn't helping either with the situation. Charlton had hurt his head on the floor platform by the fireplace, the only place in our house that isn't carpeted. He had a deep cut on the side of his head. I washed the spot right away, put pressure on it for a little while, and then used some peroxide to see it more clearly. I called my neighbors, who are also members of my ward, and asked them to stay with the older children so I could take Charlton to the Emergency Room. We said a prayer, and then I left.

We didn't have to wait too long at the Emergency Room, and fortunately it isn't far away from my house. Charlton was happy and enjoying all of the attention. He is just so adorable. He did have to get three staples on his head, and he behaved bravely.
While waiting on me to finish with the paper work, Charlton was looking at some magazines. He kept saying "papa" and "fish" over and over again. I stopped what I was doing and looked at him, and then started laughing. He was holding this magazine in his hand that had a picture of bearded man with two fish in his hands. My children call "papa" their grandfather, and Charlton spent three weeks with his grandfather this summer and I'm sure had great memories. So, now every time he sees someone that looks like his "papa" he goes to them and hugs them. He does this quite often. Here he is with that magazine:
Charlton is doing well, and doesn't seem to be upset or hurt. That is a great blessing. I got home around nine, and Elijah arrived right after me. When I told him about the accident and that it had happened about 7:00, he said he had been officiating in an endowment session at that time. No way for me to reach him, but the Lord had reached me. I'm grateful that I was blessed with a calm state of mind. I'm not very good in stressful situations; I've had a pretty smooth life with very few bumps on the way, and I have not learned how to handle hard situations. I'm truly thankful for the Lord's help tonight in helping me with good neighbors, good children, a quick mind, and a healthy Charlton.

As I look over my day, I realize that it is true we can't control most things in our lives. Accidents will happen, and trials will come whether we like it or not. But I also relearned another lesson that whether we can control our life fully or not, we should always be prepared and try our best. When Charlton had his accident, my house was in order, my children knew their responsibilities, I had a good rapport with my neighbors, Charlton trusted me, and Elijah was serving the Lord. Above all, I was close to the Lord myself, and heard His small, still voice giving me guidance and comfort. I'm grateful for that knowledge and blessing.

Parenthood - a hard-earned blessing

Yesterday was an especially busy day for our family. Although if we continue like this, it might become our average day, and that is not what I wish. My ideal day would be way different.

This year Gillian is in 4th grade, Jefferson in 2nd, and James started Kindergarten, which ends earlier than my older kids' classes. This means I have two different pick up times. Add to that a few things that I do for Charlton, and my day is totally chopped up, and there is no way for me to start any projects of my own, or even keep up with household stuff for that matter. I'm not complaining; that's what every mom with different age group children has to do every day. But my complaints seem to arise when school is out.

Yesterday, right after school we dropped Gillian off to her church activity, a must in our family, because it helps her fellowship with friends from church with the same standards as she, as well as it teaches her to put God and church first, another of those things we parents try to guide our children to do to give them moral guidance. After that, Gillian joined her best friend in a cross-country running which meets three times a week for an hour. Both Elijah and I felt good about this since it will help Gillian be healthy and strong. The boys decided last night to join her. She came home around 7:00p.m. After eating supper, she had to take a shower, do homework, have family reading, as well as family scriptures and prayer. That pushed her bedtime to 9:00. I'm sure she didn't go to sleep till 10:00, since she had to fulfill her need of reading.

Before school started, I asked the kids what kind of activities they wanted to attend after school. This question generated a wide range of answers filled with desires and legitimate talent-developing requests. Piano was on my list for all of my children. I'm yet to decide on that. A professional choir for Gillian was next. She has a beautiful voice and loves to sing, talent and desire combined. She also wanted art classes, sewing, and martial arts. The boys expressed desire to do art, tap dancing, martial art classes, chess team, and swimming. I was overwhelmed by their responses and faced by reality when imagined that if we did even half of those our life would be hectic, and above all we would have no family time, the most important way of spending time in my list. I've singed them up only for one activity each, with running just being added. But how do you find that balance between having a calm and happy family life and trying to help your children develop their talents, achieve high results at school, get their chores done, teach them life skills, and let them have some time of their own where they can explore life from their personal angle???

At the moment, I don't have an answer. I'm praying and simplifying my own life. I can't stay up too late, because I won't have enough energy the next day to maximize my time. My social life isn't as filled as it used to be. I'm still working on not being too overwhelmed with the idea that because I have each child on my own for various periods of time, I can't expect to accomplish everything that is in my list. I feel horrible right now as I write in my blog, and my little Charlton is talking and asking me to read him books and I'm telling him later. When James comes, I'll feel horrible that I'll have to read to him for a just a little bit and then take him with me to do grocery shopping or clean bathrooms. When my older ones come, I'll feel guilty for not spending time with James as much as I wish because I'll have to help the older ones with their homework or drive them to their activities. But I will try to cherish those half hours or an hours with each child and not let guilt for not doing more cut through me. I'll make sure dinner is ready everyday, so we can sit and eat as a family before anything gets in the way. And we'll always have reading time before bedtime. Elijah, the children, and I made a commitment to each other and each of us signed a promise that we will read every night first a classic and then scriptures no matter where and how tired we may feel. After dinner time, that is my quiet family time. It may be just an hour or so, but for the moment it is a good start.

What do you do to find that balance?

Life with children, not always happy and blissful (Part 2)

Note: Read 'Part 1' first.

Tuesday was no better. Charlton woke up twice during the night, and then decided to stay awake after 6:30a.m. I'm not a morning person, and if you want me to have a bad attitude for the rest of the day, come and wake me up early in the morning. By the time 7:30 approached, I sent Charlton upstairs to play with his siblings, so I could get some rest. I must have been in dream world when I thought of that, because the minute Charlton finished climbing the stairs and started to baby talk to his brothers and sister, they all flocked toward him, each of them wanting to play with him. This started a commotion with Charlton crying because of the noise his siblings were making, and with the children fighting over who would play with their little brother first. Did I mention I really wanted to rest? I called them all down for breakfast.
James wanted to say the prayer, and as I was about to consent, Gillian complained that he always said the prayer. Jefferson didn't like the kind of raisin bread I had bought for them this time. Charlton was demanding more food. My head was pounding, and it wasn't even eight o'clock yet. So much for breakfast to calm us down!


Today was going to be my cleaning day, laundry day, and project day all in one. So, I tried to involve my children in helping me out. Laundry was their responsibility, while I was cleaning out my laundry room closet. They were doing well for a while, when all of a sudden I hear screaming coming from the living room. As I go to check things out, I'm hit by some kind of clothing. There is silence for a minute, and then they each talk loud and out of order, trying to explain their behaviour. I would have been okay with the throwing of the clothes at each other, after all who can resist the temptation, but then they made me angry by assigning fault to each other and then continuing with complains. I told them they needed to be quiet for five minutes. My ears were demanding vacation from all of the talk and fights. You would think five minutes without talk is an easy task, but not for these kids. In less than a minute, I hear Jefferson tell Gillian not to throw his clothes at him. James proceeds in telling Gillian how to fold shirts. Gillian makes the unpardonable sin and comes and talks to me. I tell the kids to go and play outside. I close the doors. For five minutes, I sit down drinking cold water and closing my eyes. I could have stayed like that for hours, but I had to keep my momentum going. My house was calling me. I invited the children in and gave them separate assignments.


After the chores were done, I asked Abel to start with the party decorations. Gillian's birthday is on Saturday, and because she is getting baptized that day, we wanted to keep it special for her and moved the birthday party on Friday. A few months ago, she decided she wanted to have"Alice in Wonderland"theme for her party. Abel and I have come up with a lot of fun ideas relating to this theme, but it's going to require a lot of work from us. Since we were done with chores, I asked him to get the children's help if he wanted. He had drawn a couple of mushrooms that we are going to place in our yard, and he asked Gillian and Jefferson to color them. Well, again, Jefferson and Gillian found something to fight over. The mushrooms were identical except for the spots on them, and that was the problem. They each wanted the same spotted mushroom. I tried to keep my cool and gave them the choice of drawing the assigned mushrooms, or going to their room and color whatever they wanted. They sat and colored their mushrooms.


At dinner table, while Jefferson was eating his roll with his spaghetti, he decided to claim another one in the basket. Gillian interferes by saying she had eyed it herself and since she was done with her dinner that roll belonged to her. "My goodness, have all the rolls you want, just don't fight over such silliness." -was my not-so-calm answer.
As I started reading to them, I thought that maybe we were done with the fights and complains for today since reading time is our favorite time of the day, but it wasn't meant to be. We read for almost an hour, and we were about done with our chapter book, when Jefferson decided he was done with reading and wanted to go upstairs and play. Gillian wanted to finish the book while sacrificing her play time. James wanted to finish the book and play. Decisions, decisions, decisions. We finished the book, and they had five minute play time. And I didn't even lose my temper.


During question time tonight, Jefferson told me what a wonderful mother I was, James thanked me for helping him with the cleaning of his room, and Gillian hugged me several times and said that she was grateful I was her mother. They all told me that they loved me, and all those "I love you"s kind of melted my heart. I was physically tired from cleaning all day, emotionally exhausted from dealing with fights and complains, and intellectually challenged from not reading any books of my own for two days. Nevertheless, I was grateful to be their mother. Let's just hope tomorrow will bring us less fights and more love.

Life with children, not always happy and blissful (Part 1)

Monday morning started like every other morning. Every body was happy and hungry. We ate, got ready, tidied up the house, did the breakfast dishes, and rushed to our running club. The bad spell for the next two days started there. The children finished their 10-mile card, and started on their 15-mile one. Gillian's friends were all there, and because they all wanted to play at the nearby playground as well as run, Gillian found the solution by telling them to alternate playing at the playground after finishing each mile. Her friends liked that idea, except Gillian, who had offered it.

What I saw next made me angry. She went to her brothers, who were continuing their run, and tried to convince them to go and play at the nearby hill, therefore stopping them to get ahead of her in their card. I didn't like it, so I asked Gillian to come and talk to me. After explaining to her that it wasn't nice of her to trick her brothers, she, in return, explained to me that everybody had the agency to choose, and she was just offering another idea to them. They could take it or leave it. She just didn't want them to get ahead of her, and so was trying to find a way so they could all be the same. Translation: I'm very competitive and I don't want any one else to win, but me. I hugged her and told her that it's better to lose with honesty than win with trickery. Besides, this running thing had nothing to do with winning or losing; it's just a fun way to exercise our bodies. She smiled and went to play. Later on, she wasn't resentful, but she was aware that her brothers were one lap ahead of her.


Library came next. I put Charlton on his stroller, and Gillian took the lead by pushing him toward the door, while I was getting the books out of the car. Jefferson started fighting with Gillian at the parking lot about taking turns pushing Charlton. I was in no mood to hear bickering at the library, so I told Jefferson Gillian was in charge and left it at that. While I was looking at the books-on-hold section, he approaches me and tells me that I always tell him that he is very responsible, and isn't that as good as being the oldest? What do you say at something like that! I told him that I was so blessed to have such a responsible boy, and that next Monday he will be in charge of Charlton at the library. The truth of the matter is that when he has Charlton at the library, he behaves as if he is in a playground, pushing the stroller between isles and in the middle of the library paying no attention to others, except to his little brother. So, you can say that he is responsible in taking care of his brother, but with some consequences to others.


After we all got all the books we wanted, we proceeded to check out. Charlton started to scream, James was talking my head off about this book he had found, Gillian was wanting to read one more page before checking her book out, and Jefferson had disappeared behind the receipt printer. Let us not forget, there was a long line forming behind us. Immediately, I sent Gillian out with Charlton, I checked James' book first and gave it him, so he could read it while I was checking the rest out. Jefferson was next. I kept telling him to come to me and not touch the book receipt or the printer. He seemed to have not heard me. I called his name three times, with everybody in the line watching me and my interaction with my son. I was gradually losing my cool. I also wanted him to help me with the books. James joins us in trying to help. Instead, a fight burst out as they were trying to decide which ones were theirs. I felt like screaming, but instead I pulled Jefferson's ear and told him to quit. The tears in his eyes made me feel so embarrassed, not because the ten or so people in the line were watching me lose my temper, but because in my worrying about what others were thinking, I had forgotten to worry about my children. Jefferson later explained to me that he was trying to figure out how the printer worked. That's why he hadn't paid attention to me. He apologized, and as I write this now I wish I had dropped all the books on the floor and kissed his tears. Precious children trying to deal with the adult world! Hard working parents trying to understand a child's world!


I have to say, though, the bickering and fights of this day were not done. Jefferson and James fought over blocks as Gillian had her haircut; James strongly told his brother and sister that they couldn't play with Claire when we went to pick up Abel at Elijah's work; Jefferson kept asking for things as we were trying to figure out what we could get within our budget for Gillian's party at the party store. By the time Elijah got home, I was mentally exhausted. I had no more left to give. Elijah understood the situation, and took us to eat out. When we got home, we had the kids go to bed, and I relaxed in Elijah's arms as we each shared our day. I think I fell asleep while he was talking. I don't think he minded. He knew I was tired. I was grateful to have a shoulder to lay on. Tomorrow was bound to be better...