Tonight, as I got ready to sit and read after a long day of working hard, I realized I was exhausted and had no desire to do anything else but sleep. This doesn't happen to me usually. So, I asked myself what did I do today that made me so tired, and came up with only one answer, nothing. The answer frustrated me. I sat down and wrote what I did all day, hour by hour. Here it is:
7:00 -8:00 Get children ready for school, make breakfast, drop children at school
8:00 - 8:40 I get ready
8:40 - 9:00 Drop James at preschool
9:30 - 10:30 Take Charlton to the doctor
10:30 - 11:30 Tidy the house, vacuum, do dishes
11:30 -12:00 Make banana bread
12:00 - 1:00 Eat lunch, read to James, play with Charlton
1:00 - 2:00 Cook dinner
2:00 - 3:00 Wash two loads of clothes, fold four other, washed the day before
3:00 - 4:00 Pick up the older children, prepare a snack, help with homework
4:00 - 5:30 Spend time with Elijah, eat dinner
5:30 - 6:30 Read to the children
7:00 - 8:30 Children's book club
8:30 - 9:30 Bed time preparations, scripture reading, prayers
9:30 - 11:00 Read on my own, with my eyes half closed, but with a strong determination to not quit
11:00 - 11:40 Write in my blog
I don't see anything glamorous in this list, or even remotely hard or though provoking. But I didn't put this list up to complain. As I went through my day, I felt a gratitude for the fact that I can stay home and be part of my children's life. Yes, sure half of my day was spent cleaning and cooking, which I would willingly give up if I had someone else do it, but even that was for a good cause. Having a clean house brings the Spirit in, as well as it teaches my children to love a neat environment.
Sometimes, when I have days like this one, I feel like I'm wasting my life just doing menial things. And then, I realize raising children is neither waste of time, nor menial work. Of course, the reason I feel I'm not accomplishing anything is that I don't see glorious results right away. Raising children is hard work and involves a lot of repetition. It also demands a lot of our time, energy and letting go of our own desires.
The hardest part of my day is in the morning. When I wake up, I have no desire to get up and give my day to anyone, be that my own children. But I get up by playing a mind trick with myself. Every morning, I tell myself that in a couple of hours, I can sit down and write in my book, or read for as long as I want, or finish my graduate school applications, or whatever else I have put my heart upon that day. Of course, it rarely happens. What's worse is the fact that while I'm telling myself these things in the morning, I have already concluded that that morning special time is nowhere in the horizon. But still, what's left in the Pandora's box is my little, faint hope that maybe I'll find that special time, someday.
My favorite time of the day is when I read to my children. I don't know how to explain it. I feel overwhelmed that I get to mold my children and share with them my passion for reading. I love it when they beg for another chapter to be read, or another book to be started. I feel joy when they love the books that I used to read when I was young. I feel pride when they tell me some of those books were boring to them and they would like to read some of their own choice. Joy, because I feel connected to them. Pride, because they are independent. And then, I see the effect my reading has on my children. I can't believe how many books a day Gillian reads! It's touching how proud and happy my boys feel when they progress on their reading. They know reading is important to me, and they want to make me happy.
It's not motherhood that tires me, but housekeeping. Anybody out there who would like to do my cleaning and cooking for me? Not complaining, just kidding.
I love it that I get the chance to stay home with my children. It's the challenge of making this stay-at-home life interesting, that keeps me going. I think I do have an interesting life, cleaning and reading are all included in the formula of bringing excitement into it. I would say Elijah thinks I bring enough excitement in a week to last him a lifetime. What can I say, he better have a long, long life.
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